comfortably numb

I depended on the fact that you wouldn't cave to my insults.  

I don't think you care to read this, but 

i depended on the fact that you were stronger than I was, 

               strong enough to take the beatings that knocked me down 

plus the ones i gave you,

 and still walk straight.  

.........................

I remembered you just before I got on the plane 

and I was surprised I did, because I had forgotten you were ever there.  

You got stronger with my steps and by the time i sat in my seat you were all there in my head 

and by the time i looked out the window I remembered how i used to 
want you 

and by the time i looked down at the clouds i wanted 
you again & 

 it wasn't until i looked out and saw the runway again that i remembered i'm not talking to you

And the lights on the asphalt made me wish i was.

and so I told myself i only wanted you to see if you still smelled like cherries. 

that was all. Just to lie to help my heart, help it remember that i never really wanted you.

like the way i lied told my memory that those wet marks on those page were from orange juice.

but its all self protection. self-preservation, right?  

I've got to look out for myself, and you were wrong, and i hate the cold and 

                                                                                    you were making me numb.

 You made me forget to care what other people thought and you made me not care about 

perfect attendance or double dating and with you 

                                              it didn't matter so much and i was numb to the fact that 

it used to.

you made me numb like snowflakes and ice cream and christmas.

you even made me numb to the cold, Heck, as long as our hands were together and you were there to give me your coat or hold me tight the cold

                                          was

                                                           beautiful.

                                                           

but i digress.  

but who care's heck this whole thing is off topic because so were you.

                    and haha we always were.

i didn't use to mind when my feet fell asleep like they are now because you would pick me up and hold me and i wouldn't feel ridiculous and you made me feel like all the gold in the world as you carried me to a chair and set me in it like a cradle, like i was porcelain. 

I don't think i ever really felt my legs fall asleep until after us.

and then other times you'd toss me into the couch and laugh hysterically because i never liked 

you carrying me except when my feet were asleep. And so you picked me up and threw me into the love sac because you knew i would laugh and you knew i didn't really hate it that much.

you told me once that they looked like lollipops, balloons. Lollipops for the people that live in the clouds making snow and lightning and drawing babies for the storks to deliver. 

you told me once that they looked like lollipops and that we would melt the same way lollipops do in water, if gravity stopped winning the battle to protect us from going up and out like balloons.

and it hurts because i don't want to care, but i do.  Oh i do.  I lied every time i said i didn't. 

you probably knew that.

But i don't want to depend on you.  you made me
 comfortably numb. 

And it was only a matter of time before i lost something from 
the frost.

a toe, 

a finger, 

my heart.

everett mills.