now you see me

Cold tires.

I'm #1, you're #2.

Cloud cover washed away our tracks and flooded the sandbox.   
covered our grape vines in ash and left the fence empty, thinking about hornets.  our animal feet left 
sanded frozen 
footprints,

cloud cover time-lapses
meshed mud & snow 
left us with only animal tracks and pink faces
and memories that hurt,
left us with empty spaces we would label
heartbreaksuicidecancerhatecarcrashshootingsdivorceonandonand
but we never know until after the fact and labeling only hurts more,
it won't erase this crevice, the one that you call a memory and i call the present

Stop 

stuck film rolling through my hands my body is seeing things stop them please. 

Slides of 8th grade health class abusive relationship lesson been in my head ever since because it was too familiar to pretend otherwise 

our halls are echoing with cries for help

Help

The quiet kind

The I don't need you kind of help

The I don't want you I don't want to need you kind of help

the I've been lost since seventh grade kind of Help

the give me hope give me distraction

the I've lost myself 

the i used to think i had courage kind of help

I want to say your heart is red

because thats what everyone else says.  

but since when has everyone else been right.

you've got hair and a nose and eyes that see the

 world

 green 

black
but

I don't see them

anymore.

There was wind in your hair in the calm 
Because you
Put the air into motion and 

cold in the warmth and fire in the air 

that burnt your fingertips and your heart, that was pulsing and pounding red blood

You were contradiction

 you're a lie,

you're hurt,

so am i,

but when people ask ARE YOU OK

post-it-note messages and seminary lessons aren't enough to

tell make your heart believe

YES I AM

so we got left.

cold in my brain numb 
fire thats turned blonde hair to ash and melts my will and 

I'm wrapped in a blanket painted horses, sewn manes and woolen hooves 

they're trampling my thoughts and.

closing doors.

this was grandma's blanket

it smells like sundays and friends 

feels heavier than memories that won't come back

we're cemented in

fearing in

flames. in things gone memories gone like 

lighter fluid will take this away

  listening to the echoes of your fire and the lightening that killed 

it. words words on strings words rolling film rolling my eyes my tongue that is silent,

film rolling in my head silent pictures open motion untouched rolling still rolling films faces places I've never been places I've been places I don't remember faces I've never seen You.  

Maybe your heart is blue. 

I'll take it however.

all i can do is play the piano and i thought that was enough for Johnny.

 it wasn't.