mom chess

I am lost in the details

it’s survival, here in our kitchen with kids

only urgent needs, like toast & trains, no taking & trying

to squeeze myself in

I am lost in 

the details

imagining tree roots and scriptures,

snatching at anchors to ground myself or 

else blow 

away

I finally get a slice of bread for myself and my 1-year-old says “please, bread,” 

holds out his hands to me with a pouty face,

never mind that this is probably his third slice

and i’ve spent two hours unclogging the toilet.

I am one 

of the details

standing in a frantic puzzle

(maybe if i move the knight this way, and the pawn

that, it will all come clear)

3 steps forward, 2 steps back

There is no secret ingredient whispers Po

and i will die without a sense of humor

(next time they yell, make them laugh he whispers behind his dumpling)

I am handed detail after detail and will be wading through these mostly-brown,

middle puzzle pieces til i find an edge or connection

some days better

than today’s survival episode and some days worse

but when i am in the middle of the muddle 

I hope at least to to be muddling through with

big eyes who cry for hurt grasshoppers,

and wild blonde curls who giggle when i say goodnight

i guess when you're tucked in tonight i won't mind

the puzzle

as long as it was always me and you.

Quilts

(For Robbie) 

When my heart grows cold will you be the blanket I’m handed

(here, God whispers and, quietly, watches)

How could that be, when you were just taken away?

– not so – I see you every morning in my 

everywhere, I see you and 

everywhere, I hear you

to be reminded of so many someones all at once 

hurts my minds eye

Just show him to me!

I’m yelling,

– excuse me I’ll go, with my outside voice, speak with someone—

God— when I’m missing him so much

when the others forget 

when they can’t see

(this is my hurt and it is strong)

“Love my family” whispers Wesley 

into the ears of everyone he can,

‘til hearts grow full of

“Love my family”  Wes whispers into the ears of God, let me do that now and still.

“I love my family” whispers God as he cries great big rolling tears and wraps his arms around tired, tired hearts

Keep them warm,

He whispers,

when no one else can 

I will wrap my arms around them

lend your arms, too

broken shards do not want to mend

The potter is waiting.

Where is heaven, Dad? 

how long til we get there asks my son

Pretty far, I say, at least three hours fastest way to get there is to close your eyes

When will we be there, mama?

We’re passing through it now it’s all around us but seems far away

Here is a blanket honey, remember 

on the long drive

You are Covered, as you cry 

oh Brother,

wrap the feelings 

of You

And you

around me.

We will bounce through the night down the darklit road until we close our eyes and wake up home

I am taking this quilt God hands me, it has settled onto my shoulders as i drive, this gentle weight on my heart 

You can be gently permanent, here, anytime, my Brothers i will keep my eyes open on this drive and you will 

clearly, and visibly, and in just your own ways, slower than i’d like but my potter is steady as long as it takes,

keep me warm.