mom chess

I am lost in the details

it’s survival, here in our kitchen with kids

only urgent needs, like toast & trains, no taking! & trying

to squeeze myself in

I am lost in 

the details

imagining tree roots and scriptures,

snatching at anchors to ground myself or 

else blow 

away

I finally get a slice of bread for myself and my 1-year-old says “please, bread,” 

holds out his hands to me with a pouty face,

never mind that this is probably his third slice

and i’ve spent two hours unclogging the toilet.

I am 

one 

of the details

standing in a frantic puzzle

(maybe if i move the knight this way, and the pawn

that, it will all come clear)

3 steps forward, 2 steps back

There is no secret ingredient whispers Po

and i will die without a sense of humor

(next time they yell, make them laugh he whispers behind his dumpling)

I am handed dirty diapers, low moments, and will be wading through 

these mostly-brown middle puzzle pieces til 

i find an edge

a connection, 

some striking click of progress or you snuggling me on the couch with our monkey book

some days are better than today’s 

survival episode 

and some days worse, but 

when i am in the middle of the muddle 

I pray happy tears for muddling through with

    big eyes who cry for hurt grasshoppers,

    and wild curls who giggle when i say goodnight

chuck the chess pieces, i don't need to win

i forgot i won the lottery! three cute boys and a good God

slow down

my cash is flying around but we've got it all, and a roof and solid ground

deep breaths

this little home

right here.