Air Force wives

we are tough we are really tough women

we are somewhat idealistic, we 

have our husbands, we are new to the Air Force, they are with us in holding flight and at least 

some 

minutes 

most 

days.

Disillusionment stands up, walks toward me to shake my hand. 

I don't take his hand yet, but I know it is there, an option,

a firm, very firm, I think, handshake.

husband gone, gone, gone

all the time alone, alone, with myself and my thoughts, with my kids, not alone

but not with him

so, enter Disillusion

not today, but I see you down the road, you will bring your hand back and I may shake it then

I don't want to, but I'm sure I will know you in moments, at least.

Disillusion, some of us fall into you and lose ourselves. Where do they go, when they lose their dream?

"I want to be with you all the time

all day, spend time with you,"

“I want to spend at least some time with you, some days,”

dad worked from home

but you will be gone, gone, gone

and I will be alone, 

and.

Hospital, a series: Poetry

You can't kiss poetry

you can't rock poetry to sleep

Give me my son

Hospital, a series: Why

to 

be a punk teenager

learn how to walk

start talking and say mama

teach you to read

hold your kids

to 

be your mama when you're angry and angsty

cheer on your soccer games 

hug me when you're home from school

make me and dad laugh

be a big brother, meet your siblings

draw with sidewalk chalk and jump on the tramp, play with the neighbor kids and have a crush on one of them,

feel sunshine warming your skin, go to lake Powell, surf the ocean with your dad, taste fresh coconut milk, have a Christmas, read a good book, travel the world with grandpa, serve a mission, 

let me take care of you while your throat's all sore from these tubes --

There's so much, buddy. So many reasons why.

Hospital, a series: What

we want him 

we want him 

we want him 

we want him 

we want him

we want him

we want him

we want you

we want you 

we want you 

we want you 

we want you

We want him, Heavenly Father. We want him.

we want him

this is from when you almost died

when I look at you I see the future

(hear the hospital alarms from last week

but) see the future, 

you're 

learning how to bike

proud of dad and baby brother

love me (mama) too, hugging me so tightly

a kid, coming home from school, a punk, so handsome

I'm holding my grandkids, you're quite the man and 

I've always been proud of you 

son

I 

see

you 

the future I almost lost.

I almost lost 

in that emergency room on a Sunday night -- I'm hiding in the family waiting room. 

Sobs.

"Life is beautiful." a stray thought, strange that Sunday

pain and fear and surreal a closed door and a seat or two, dad's with you in the other room and I'm broken down. white tiles. white tiles and a sign saying not to leave (don't leave baby, don't leave)

they've probably seen it before, the hospital workers. I'm just another mom. 

Maybe lots of moms wait there with their hair crazy and eyes all puffed up, faces red, tears running, noses blowing.

I don't think I want you to read this someday,

so let me not tell you just this. The moment of realizing you, my baby boy, might be dying, might be about to. That pain is an experience in my chest and it 

feels

can't breathe

insides shredded like costa vida pork

dark, dark, dark

downward dragging at the bottom of my throat and 

terror

can't be scared by anything else because this ^ is real

could I ever have another kid if you ended like this--?

(panic, pain, terror, tears)

no room for thought but I started bargaining

built a fire inside and told God so much that I wanted you, and I was 

pleading with you telling you about life and how it really is worth living (even though it hurts and scares) and how if we have any say we really want 

you, love

my baby boy

we really want you, if we have any say death is exotic but no we don't want it, we want you you you you and we love you baby boy and somehow, I don't know why, not because of my bargaining, you stayed with us.

in those moments I would have done anything for the chance to wake up all night to a crying baby, to change your diapers, for toddler tantrums to consume my days--

bliss. 

Buddy, we got a second chance. You and me and your dad. some people don't. 

thanks God. thanks buddy. 

gonna try do right. 

gonna think about those other mamas whose babies didn't stay.

gonna put down my phone and snuggle you.

gonna not be so afraid. gonna cry some more, probably. 

now I'm in our living room again and you're napping. and when you wake up, I'll hug you real tight.

Vitamins

and when you close your eyes I dream.

About yesterdays, tomorrows,

Acres of land 

And your dad and I, still making each other laugh.

I will always be holding you close to me.

Close like mama read me a story, 

Close like I will always kiss your hurts away

Close like this:

Your little tired body is melting against my mama one 

and i thaw brilliantly

You and me we 

are mine

Forever

Memories I curl round my fingers and take in each morning and evening with water, twice a day,

Dreams bloom into irises and 

convert

My hesitations Into fields of flowers 

tall enough to cut and take to all the neighbors, there are enough for the whole street and baskets besides

And I am smitten by motherhood.

Dreams that fill me with pictures, 

so 

many pictures books full and years full and we are laughing and teasing and loving in 

these pictures.

I want them all. 

And we’ll grow up with the grape vines, on our acres 

the peach trees will grow old

And you’ll have siblings to spare and 

I see

Happy.

(The kind that spills so easily over the backyard fence you can’t help but put hands in pockets and smile-sigh)

One-dimple smile, yours

You’re laughing at their dog playing fetch while I’m 

Wild on my insides,

A true dreamer

Fantasizing on family happiness and how 

Vitamins

You are mine

sat on the playground slide for an hour

I am always listening to the wind am always listening to the wind

It tells me about trees mostly
How long it takes to breeze through branches

Tells me about family mostly 

kids playing, frisbee hitting fence, dog chasing

I listen and I hear my thoughts 
Honey, she says, taste the honey and cheese and jam she whispers — peach jam—

and the olives and the fresh baked and

the picnic blanket 

hear this, 

she tells me it was there once.

I am always listening to the wind
she rambles
Breathes long low loud longingly
melodies

each tree a different note and when she reaches my face it is the most gentle and low of all

so fiercely gentle

she closes my eyes and drips them salty

God must have sent this wind
In a roundabout sort of way

I am listening to the wind and it drips honey into my heart 
And hugs me
--tired me--

I am listening to the butterfly’s flight 

busy patterns i

Listening to the birds
crickets
to the tremor of a tall shoots of grass getting shook whenever I hear those leaves blow against each other
An together we listen to the 

wind

Listening to god

The days slip by 
Abundantly as rain
He breaks my heart. But without him I wouldn’t have a heart to break. 

and so I am always listening to the wind, him too

he in his plane, i on mine